is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
