Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
