Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
