2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
