He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
