The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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