If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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