My sheets look like a crime scene.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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