Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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