I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
