He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
