cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
