I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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