I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
