history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
