you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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