Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
