My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
