Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
NoShamevember. You game?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
