He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
