apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
