its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
