I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
