a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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