my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't think brook has ever known best
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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