does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
