nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
