Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I love you.
Bad choice
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
