I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
