my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
