2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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