grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
