what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
