Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
