Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
