I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
send nudes
from the living room?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
