My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
