she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
