Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
