My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
