Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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