I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
