My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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