My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
