Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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