There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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