Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
