It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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