you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
