why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She's the barista slut.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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